Jesus' advice on dealing with conflict- Matt 18
We sometimes have the impression that
if the church was what it was supposed to be then there should be no conflict
in it. Jesus speaks about his followers as salt, which preserves and brings out
flavor. Jesus speaks about his followers as light that shines into a dark
world. His followers are the ones who put Jesus’ profound teachings on love
into practice. And if not us, then who? We are to be a people shaped by God’s
love. This means that, as Christians, we
are God’s missionaries in this world. As Abraham’s spiritual ancestors we are
to carry the blessing of God into the world as inheritors of God’s promise to
Abraham in Genesis that his ancestors would bless all the families of the
earth.
So we might assume that the church
would be a kind of utopia where everyone always gets along and a smile is
always on every face. …Sometimes it can be
that way. Sometimes everything seems to go well, but it often doesn’t last very
long. We often see drama and conflict among members of the church. Sometimes it
can seem so bad that we are left wondering, how we are supposed to bring
blessing to the world when we can’t even get along ourselves?
The first thing I find encouraging
about Jesus’ teaching in our gospel passage is that Jesus anticipates that
there will be problems. Jesus gives us a way to deal with conflict. We
sometimes think the church should be a utopia, but Jesus never had that illusion.
Jesus’ own disciples argued about who was greater. One of them betrayed him
into the hands of those who killed him, and Peter denied knowing him. I’m sure
there were all kinds of squabbles that happened between the disciples,
especially considering they were with each other day in and day out for around
three years. We could also look at Paul’s letters, most of which seem to have
been written in response to a conflict in a church. This was nothing new for
God’s people. They squabbled under the
leadership of Moses, under the prophet Samuel, under King David. The thing that
matters isn’t if there will be conflict, it is how we deal with
conflict as followers of Jesus. Conflict
is expected, so Jesus gives us some guidance. Even though it is expected, and
even normal, there is also potential for a lot of harm to be done, so how we
deal with it is important.
The process Jesus gives us is this.
If someone sins against you, first, bring it up with them just between the two
of you. If they won’t listen to you, then bring along one or two others. If
they still won’t listen then bring it before the church. If they still won’t
listen then treat them as you would treat someone who is outside the church- a
Pagan Gentile, or a traitorous tax collector.
This seems like a pretty cut and dry
process, even a bit stark and cold, but that is only at first glance. We get a
hint as to what our motivation should be at the end of Jesus’ first step in
dealing with the conflict. “If another member of the church sins against you,
go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens
to you, you have regained that one”. The actual motivation isn’t justice
for the offended person who was sinned against. The motivation is “regaining
that one”. No doubt Jesus cares about
the person who was sinned against, but Jesus asks us to endure all kind of
wrongs. … Jesus is more concerned about the person who was able to sin
against another, and then to not seek forgiveness and reconciliation. That
person has wounded their own soul and they need healing. Otherwise they are
beginning to separate themselves from God and His people.
So first we begin with our
motivation, which is concern for the soul of the other person who committed the
sin. Again, we don’t want to ignore the
person who was sinned against, but the assumption is that they are still in a
good position before God and are able to endure wrongdoing because they are
united to Christ. The person who has sinned has begun cutting themselves off
from Christ and is the one in more danger.
The early Church Father Chrysostom
points out that Jesus does not say, “’accuse him’ or ‘take him to court’. He
says ‘correct him’. For he is possessed, as it were, by some stupor, and drunk
in his anger and disgrace. The one who is healthy must go to the one who is
sick… be earnest toward his cure, not toward satisfying your anger and hurt
feelings”.[1]
Similarly Augustine says, “If you fail [to confront him], you are worse
than he is. He has done someone harm, and by doing harm he has stricken himself
with a grievous wound. Will you then completely disregard your brother’s wound?
Will you simply watch him stumble and fall down? Will you disregard his
predicament? If so, you are worse in your silence than he in his abuse.
Therefore, when anyone sins against us, let us take great care, but not merely
for ourselves. For it is a glorious thing to forget injuries. Just set aside
your own injury, but do not neglect your brother’s wound. … for the harm he has
done is not primarily to you but to himself.”[2]
The first step, once we have
corrected our motivation, is to confront the person directly. We might assume
that we should wait for the person to come to us to seek forgiveness, but
surprisingly the person with the burden is the person who has been sinned
against. We humbly and lovingly point out the sin of the other, not to satisfy
our own hurt feelings, but out of concern for the wound in the soul of the
person who has sinned. We come to them alone. We don’t gossip to all our
friends about it, or yell at them, or attempt to humiliate them- we go to the
person alone. We also aren’t supposed to merely be “nice” and pretend the sin
never happened, which is an equally powerful temptation for some of us who
don’t like confrontation and would rather avoid it at all costs.
If the person is unwilling to listen
to you when you are alone, then Jesus advises bringing along one or two more
people. Bringing in others who aren’t immediately involved in the conflict can
give some level of objectivity. Perhaps no sin has taken place and it is really
in the imagination of the offended person, or it is a misunderstanding.
Bringing along one or two others can help clarify the situation and help to
determine if a wrong has actually taken place. If the other person is respected
by both people then it is more likely that a person will admit their fault,
repent, and seek forgiveness.
But involving others from the church
isn’t just about gaining objectivity. Sin in the church is also a spiritual
matter that has an effect beyond just the immediate people effected. The sin of
Christians presents a particular image to the rest of the world. Sin within the church also effects the culture
within the church. It changes how much we trust each other and how safe we feel
with each other. So really every Christian has an invested interest in the sin
of other Christians for a variety of reasons, including concern for the sinner.
Paul talks about the Church as being the body of Christ (1 Cor 12). We are all
parts of that body and we have an effect on one another. If we stub our toe the
rest of our body reacts.
I know a theologian and pastor named
Gordon Smith who served a church where two people had a long standing feud that
stemmed from a church split over 30 years before he met them. The two did not
interact at all, but still came to the same church. They just avoided each
other. On one level they might have
believed that their issue was between the two of them and it was no one else’s
business. But, he and others at the church were convinced that their feud was a
sickness in the church that had a spiritual effect far beyond the two of them. Sin
has an effect on the church that runs deeper than our individualism wants to
lets us believe.
So first we confront them alone, and
if that doesn’t work then we bring along one or two others from the
church. If that person still refuses to
listen, even before one of two others, then we are to bring it to the broader
church. We involve more people in the hopes that the person will see the wrong
they have done as they see the will of the body of the church in agreement on
the matter. Again, this is not in order to shame the person, or to get the
church to take sides, all of this is out of concern to regain the one who has
sinned- to help the person to see the wound in their soul so it can be healed.
As long as the person does not believe they are wounded, their wound cannot be
tended to. No medicine can be given as long as they deny the illness.
If the matter is brought before the
church and the person still refuses to admit it then they have cut themselves
off from the direction of the body of Christ. They essentially have made
themselves equal to someone outside the church and should be treated that way
so they have no illusions about where they have placed themselves. So they are
to be treated like a Gentile who was usually a Pagan that did not follow the
Jewish God. Similarly, they are to be treated like a tax collector who betrayed
their own people to make a profit for themselves while working for the
occupying forces that were oppressing their people.
This sounds very harsh. Treat the
person that sinned and refused to listen to you like a gentile or a tax
collector. It sounds like we turn our backs on them and refuse to have anything
to do with them, but then we have to think about how Jesus treated gentiles and
tax collectors. The Apostle Matthew, who tradition tells us wrote this Gospel,
was called by Jesus when he was a tax-collector. Jesus was primarily called to
Israel, but he also worked miracles of healing for Gentiles and applauded their
faith. After the resurrection he commanded his followers to go to the ends of
the earth to make disciples of all people. So, to treat a person like a tax-collector
or a Gentile is to love them and go to great lengths to help them be restored
to a strong and healthy relationship with God.
Jesus also
promises that this isn’t just an unspiritual political process. The actions of
the church have an effect in heaven because the church is the body of Christ,
and the church in heaven exists in union with the church on earth. And so, as
the body of Christ, there is a certain level of authority given to make
decisions that bind a person’s behavior for the benefit of their soul. Now this
has to all be done carefully, compassionately, and prayerfully because this
kind of authority could be quite easily misused. But Jesus says that “whatever
you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will
be loosed in heaven.” So heavenly realities can even be effected by our own
choices here.
This process
is really about radical love. How do we live a life of compassion for everyone
around us, even when they hurt us? Can we love the sinner even when their sin
burns us? It we think about it from the other side, isn’t this exactly how we
would want to be treated if we were the sinner? How would it feel to have
someone genuinely approach you with compassion when you have harmed them
through your sin? The church may not be a utopia, but if we learned to treat
each other with this kind of love then we would truly be light shining in a
dark world.
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